Is DAD the Ideal Postpartum Doula?
by Allie
Chee, with comments from Darren Mattock, Darla Burns, Elly Taylor, and Dr. Ning X. Fu, O.M.D., Ph.D
Postpartum care around the world has well elaborated
traditions that support healing, bonding, and growth for the new family. They
are respected and received by families in all financial strata. These
traditions are considered essential not only to the mother’s immediate
recovery, they’re believed to benefit her subsequent pregnancies, menopause,
and golden years.
The postpartum time for women in the US historically involved at least periods of bed-rest, during which an experienced woman—usually one or several family members—supported the new family.
However, the concept of postpartum care for the family is currently the subject of debate in the United States where
Most recently a reviewer of my book New Mother suggested that my position on the father’s role
postpartum was one-sided and underestimated fathers’ abilities. I was happy the reviewer raised that valid
and important question, because it caused me to consider why I’d written (in New Mother and many other places) that
women experienced in caring for new mothers and newborns are the ideal
postpartum care providers. It caused me
to reconsider…
What About the Dads?
My premise about postpartum care is based on practices I’ve
seen around the world and my study of Western and Eastern medicines’ postpartum
traditions. But the intention of this article is not to discuss the strengths
of the traditional caretakers around the world and their methods/skills. It’s to address the questions: What about the
dads? Aren’t they the ideal postpartum doulas (or caretakers)?
I’ve known many fathers who were wonderful in their
understanding and care for their family postpartum. My husband is one of them, but of course we
had our share of challenges. He
attempted to take three weeks off postpartum, but since he’d only been in a new
job for two months, we actually felt fortunate that he could be home for seven
days. (And recall, the US is one of only
a few countries that mandates zero
paid days of maternity or paternity leave—so that every day a father and/or
mother stays home, they’re likely losing income.) Despite working full days and
a having a commute approaching four hours round trip, my husband would come
home and spend time with our baby and help me.
Our baby’s skin never touched the sheets—she slept on either my chest or
her Daddy’s for every nap and nighttime for the first month of her life. (However, that didn’t mean we didn’t want to
allocate the budget for professional postpartum care.)
I felt fortunate that my husband was so involved. But many
women don’t have partners who are capable of giving them the kind of care they
need, even when they have the desire and ability. They simply don’t have time. If
working, they’re away from home 8-12 hours a day. New moms and babies are awake
throughout the night, and questions and needs arise around the clock. If dad works all day and helps all night—when
does he recuperate? And then, of course, there are moms who don’t live with or
have any participation from the fathers.
However, even if they have a few days or weeks off from
work, even if they’ve had other children and thus some experience, and even when
they want nothing more than to help—expecting
the father to be the primary or only caretaker is shifting our culture’s
“you-can-be-and-do-it-all” expectation from the mother to the father.
What I wrote in New
Mother is that it’s everyone’s
postpartum time—dad’s, too. He is elated
over the birth, experiencing new emotions about his responsibilities, is losing
sleep, is trying to maintain his focus at work, and he may be new to
parenthood.
Traditionally it was women (usually family members and
sometimes paid help) with experience caring for newborns and postpartum women
who offered the primary support. This allowed everyone to settle into the new
experience joyfully and with significantly
reduced stress.
• How many fathers in the US (or
anywhere in the world other than countries mandating paid paternity leave) can
take off a few months or even a few weeks from work?
• How does a new mom or dad know if the blood clot mom
just passed is a “normal” size, or if she’s hemorrhaging?
• How does a dad know how to
prepare a sitz bath and check sutures to see if everything is alright “down
there?”
• How does either know what to do
if mom has a blocked duct or simply isn’t getting a good latch breastfeeding?
• How does dad know if mom is
experiencing the normal hormonal shift and emotions that occur when mom’s milk
comes in or if something more severe is happening?
• How would dad know what foods and
beverages are most healing and supportive for lactation?
• How would dad answer if mom
asked, “Do you think I’m making enough milk for our baby?” or “Is this rash
normal?” or “Is our baby’s skin too yellow?” or “Why does our baby’s lips have
blisters on them?” or “Is the ____________ (head, umbilical cord, poop, you
name it) supposed to look like that?”
• With 30-50% of new moms in the US
delivering their babies by surgery, and ever increasing numbers of mothers
having conceived through medical intervention, even more issues can develop
postpartum that neither mom nor dad would have a way to anticipate, understand,
or know how to respond to.
It’s true that it’s not necessary.
We don’t have to know these things.
We don’t have to have someone prepare a few meals for us, to answer our dozens
of questions immediately, or offer us a little opportunity for rest and quiet
time together as a family. Mom and/or dad can do it all.
That applies to any time of healing or rite of passage.
Let’s look at a few examples. Marriage: a man and woman don’t need the love and
support of others and all that expense and fuss to get married. Jeez, just give
the justice of the peace $50 and get back to work. After major surgery of any kind, we don’t
need support. We’ll probably heal sooner or later whether or not we eat well,
rest, and feel loved and cared for by someone with post-op care
experience. (Just to be sure…I’m being
facetious!)
The question is why?
Why go through any life altering experience—with so much potential for joy and
bonding—alone, exhausted, and depleted? Why expect mom or dad to do it all?
How comforting and peaceful to have a knowledgeable,
experienced woman at our side—even if only a few hours a day for a few or
several days—who can allow mom and dad a little more sleep? Who, with her experience, can quickly help
and dismiss concerns—leaving mom and dad to revel in the new spirit who’s
joined their lives!
Opinions aside: Take a glance at the statistics of new
mothers in the US suffering from PPD, PPP, failing to breastfeed when they
wanted to, requiring pharmaceuticals to function, returning to work as soon as
possible and leaving the care of their newborns to strangers—especially in
light of the statistics for these same issues in third-world countries. It’s
clear that our approach to the postpartum time is flawed.
As Valerie Lynn, author of The Mommy Plan, said for an article I wrote for the Spring 2013
issue of Midwifery Today, “In Western
countries the notion of a ‘resting period’ after childbirth is deemed an
extravagant and self-indulgent act by a mother. I find this generalized opinion
to be uninformed, outdated and baseless when there is an overabundance of
statistics indicating some of the highest rates of postpartum-related illnesses
belong to high income or developed countries, such as the United States.”
Postpartum support for the family is not considered a luxury
in cultures all around the world—it’s considered a part of childbirth, and
expected for families rich and poor. Try and tell a new grandmother in India
that she won’t be allowed to serve as the primary help for her daughter and
son-in-law postpartum! Tell a new grandma in China that her son-in-law will be
the only person providing for her daughter postpartum!
Back in the United States (and Canada, Australia, and a
growing list of other countries), by the time we’re pregnant and new parents,
most of us haven’t spent much if any
time with a postpartum mother or newborn in decades—if ever! Ditto for our
relatives. We’re utterly inexperienced for the most important time and role of
our lives.
I reached out to a wider community to see what other
thoughts could be contributed to the conversation. I spoke with a dad, a doula, a counselor, and
a doctor—and this is what they had to share.
DARREN MATTOCK, a leading voice and visionary
in the modern fatherhood movement, birth activist, creator: Becoming Dad
“I am a huge advocate for
doulas. An experienced doula knows that dads are a key to mother-and-baby
wellbeing, and will take a whole-of-family approach in providing care and
support. This includes engaging dad to develop a productive working
relationship that empowers him to be involved and connected as a caregiver, but
also allows him space to just be in
the experience of becoming dad. A postpartum doula can be an incredible source
of practical, emotional and psychological guidance and support in a time and
space where dads presently receive virtually none. Yes - this is dad's
postpartum time, too. A postpartum doula can play a significant role in making
this time healthier, happier and more harmonious for everyone - including
dads.”
DARLA BURNS, Executive Director of
Postpartum Doula Programs for CAPPA
“When we think about the
postpartum period, we often think of the postpartum dyad (mother and baby), but
I remind the families I work with that this is truly a triad (mother, father,
baby). All parts of this triad need to be supported and nurtured, as each has
its own set of unique emotions, level of comfort, and ability to cope with the
vast changes occurring. When we support, educate, and nurture new dads, I find
that they are more participatory in caring for their newborn and have more
confidence in their ability to parent, which leads to a more harmonious and
joyful family experience.”
ELLY TAYLOR,
relationship counselor, author: Becoming
Us
“The emotional bond between
partners is the cornerstone in the foundation of their family. The most
important thing from my perspective is that, in the immediate postpartum
period, the couple has the time, focus and energy to be able to get to know
each other and connect as a new family. It is challenging to carve out this
space and protect it from the avalanche of tasks and distractions of
modern-life. But it’s absolutely essential: the bond between a couple reduces
stress, reduces the risk for postnatal anxiety and depression, supports the
mental and emotional wellbeing of each of them – and of their baby.
One of the biggest things I’ve seen to negatively impact a
couple’s relationship, even many, many years afterwards is when one or both of
them experience the birth as traumatic. It may be that the woman was traumatized,
and her partner directly affected by how the trauma has impacted her, or he was
directly traumatized by aspects of the birth himself. A traumatized mother has
a 75% higher risk of developing PPD. We know that caring, capable support
during labor can reduce the risk for birth trauma and that the same following a
traumatic birth both facilitates postpartum adjustment and reduces the risk for
symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
These to me big are arguments for the value of a Postpartum
Doula – not only do they provide practical support, but can give all-important
emotional support as well.”
DR. NING X. FU, O.M.D., Ph.D, senior professor: Five
Elements University of Traditional Chinese Medicine
“In China, it is expected that the mother will be not just
be cared for, but will be protected,
at this vital time. Traditionally, the people supporting the mother in the
postpartum time were family members who’d learned from experience what skills,
foods, and tasks best served the new mother, protected her health, promoted her
rejuvenation, and enabled her to produce abundant milk for her baby. Fathers do
not receive paternity leave, but it is common for them to save funds and
vacation time while trying to conceive and during the pregnancy so they can
stay home with the mother during the first few to several weeks.
In
the past, people only hired help outside the family if their relatives’ age or
health prevented them from being able to help.
This is changing now, and it is more common for families to hire trained
and experienced professionals—but fathers remain deeply involved.
Fathers
spending as much time as possible postpartum with the mother and baby—along
with hiring professional support—is an invaluable investment in the mother’s
and baby’s health, and in family bonding.
I believe it’s very important to introduce this approach to American
culture.”
So how do we answer the question: Is
DAD the ideal postpartum doula? How about:
Dad is the husband*
and new father, and when empowered
with support—even if minimal—from a postpartum doula, that’s the recipe for a
happy, healthy new family! †
*husband, beloved partner, friend, as applies or preferred
Illustration- I love you, Daddy! owner: Allie Chee; artist:
Gioia Albano
Her articles have appeared in:
• The Well Being Journal
• The Holistic Networker
• The Birthing Site
• Natural Mother Magazine
• MidwiferyToday
Her published titles are: New Mother, Free Love, and Go, Jane!
Website: www.alliechee.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/AllieChee
NEW MOTHER on Amazon
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